More than just an underwear!

To my faithful readers, this might be my last blog post. I might be lynched by a mob, dragged onto a street and might be beaten to death after this blog post by a group of people whom you might associate me with.

Now, then, the Sikh community *dramatic pause* has been a part of civilization for roughly 500 years. Of which for over 300 years, it has been an organised religion.

From serving free meals at Gurudwaras, to serving free meals in areas affected by ISIS, to serving free meals in drought/flood/earthquake hit areas and giving the world Daler Mehendi, the community has always been the front runner in doing good things. And hey, the meals come with no obligations to convert into Sikhism once you’re done eating.

But as a Sikh physically and an atheist mentally, there are times where I start questioning this cute little religion that provides food and some times blows up flights and assassinates the prime minister, for whatever reasons.

Now, every Sikh who gets baptized (amrit chakna), has to follow a certain set of rules which include cooking for yourself, following a prayer time table and yes, having the 5 Ks.

The five Ks, which most of you’ll learnt in the Hindi lesson ‘Guru Nanak’ in your 9th standard, are five things that a Sikh must carry on him at all times. Fair enough, every religion has rules. So does Sikhism.

Here’s where it starts messing with my head. The first K stands for Kesh – Growing facial hair. And the rule makers wanted to be sure that we’re just not growing hair but combing them. So we added the second K, the Kanga – a small wooden comb. Still nothing extra ordinary. Seems pretty routine, right?

Then the rule makers went one step further and said, ‘Hey bro, here are two more Ks – the Kada (an arm guard) for self-defense and the Kirpan (a dagger). Considering that the Sikhs were at war with the Mughals and were expecting sudden attacks, this made perfect sense. Hats off.

And then, the person who was writing the rules decided to just have fun. He said, “Let’s mess around a little bit.” And just as the announcer of the rules was going out to tell the world about the four must-have things (God it sounds like Scoopwhoop), the creator of rules called him back and said, “Listen, add this, Chaddi pehen na mat bhoolna,” and hence the fifth K was added. The Kacha, which means an underwear.

WHAT?!

This is what bothers me the most, ours is the only holy book in the world that says ‘bro, don’t forget to wear your underwear.’ How dumb do you think we were man that you felt the rule ‘wear an underwear’ should be a part of your holy book?

The announcer also would’ve been like, “Sir you sure about this one?”

“YES ABSOLUTELY. As time passes, people might forget that wearing an underwear is necessary. The only way to get them to wear it is to have it in the holy book.”

Wow.

I mean look at Hinduism, their holy books were talking about complicated shit like ‘people should be divided into four Varnas’. the Christians were making rules about converting people and shit by getting them drunk and the Muslims were also up to something, I guess. And here’s us, making rules like ‘underwear compulsory’.

Now I guess we know what the priorities of my ancestors were. Damn!

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A toast to February

This blog is exactly what you are thinking it is about.

Ice cream.

Yaaayyy!! 😀

Just kidding. (Although I did see that ‘what the fuck’ expression on your face). It’s not about ice cream.

This blog is not a rant about how shit love is or how pathetic Valentines Day is because I am single. Nah.

Instead it is about how February has been romanticized (English swag niggas) in our heads right from when we were children. That’s right, and it wasn’t just for February 14th. It was for the over all picture.

Because as kids, even though we had no clue what it meant, we all knew February had fewer days that normal months and even when it got an extra day, it would still be fewer than the other months.

Doesn’t really feel like a big deal now but figuring that out – particularly in my school – felt like a big deal back then.

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You know why there’s a photo of a man leaping here? Because it’s a leap year mother fuckers! Get it? Leap. LEAP. LEEEAAPP!!!! 

And I remember this one leap year, when I was little, a classmate of mine was late to class and the second he came in, he shouted ‘THIS IS AN EXTRA DAY WE HAVE TO STUDY. OUR SENIORS DIDN’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS!’

And we were all like “Fuccckkkk!!!”

No sorry, we were kids.

We were all like “Whatever kids say when they are amused”. (I can’t seem to recall what we said as kids when we were amused. So used to ‘shit’, ‘fuck’ or ‘bhuh that’s insane’, I can’t remember what I used to say when I was amused as a child. Let me know in the comments what you’d say.) *Optimistic Blogger*

That guy’s doing his MS in USA now. Surprise, surprise.

Anyway, you further romanticize the month when you grow up because hey, in college, this is the time where even the ugliest people we know get confident and try to ask someone out. And I get to say that because I am ugly. #FakeModestyToMakeRudeComment

And for some reason, after the holidays of December and the hangovers/failed resolutions of January, it is February that tells you, ‘Hey it’s alright. This year isn’t that bad after all. There’s love in it, it isn’t that long and if you’re single, well fuck you because happiness isn’t for you’.

It is February that gets little kids ready for their exams and the big bankers ready for their audits. It is the only time of the year where people from the same group can have hot tea and cold coffee in the same outing without the other section telling them the climate isn’t suitable for it.

Just imagine facing March directly after January, so bloody hectic!!

They say good things come in small packages and in our cases, I believe February is that small package.

Here’s to you dwarf month. You’re awesome.

The Dogman

fry

 

‘Once up on a time in a land not very far away, there lived a man. The villagers called him the dogman and were scared of him.’

There must have been a time when this was a completely right statement to start a story. But it is 2016. And we got all this bitch theories in our heads now. We now think very highly of ourselves and take our own rubbish thoughts very seriously. This has led to many bullshit theories coming up.

The first people to start complaining about this, as is the case very regularly these days, would be the modern Nazis, who happen to be worse than the actual Nazis. The only thing that is holding them back is the lack of a Hitler-esque figure and a lot of ammunition. “Are you trying to say a woman cannot exist on her own? You misogynistic pig! What a terrible world to live in.”

The second kind people this post would impact is the social activists. “How can you generalise villagers? Do you know how much they’ve seen in their lives? Have you even been to a village? Do you know how the caste system can destroy a person?! You metropolitan ignorant pig.”

The third people this post impacts would be the PETA guys. The clowns battling for animal rights in an age where people are being butchered mercilessly. But what is Syria to people who are on a mission to save hens?!

The fourth category of people this post would impact is the new breed of internet people who think a dog is the ultimate form of life. I love dogs but hey, how will you possibly stop a dog meat festival in China, a country that doesn’t give a fuck about the world’s greatest super power – America, with your stupid hashtags on Facebook? But they’ll still take offence because a dogman would have to be genetically engineered and it is cruelty against man’s most loyal friend. “You fucken pig!”

And since everyone in this post is calling me a pig, my mere existence would offend the religion of peace and no bacon.

And since I am using my freedom of speech in India, it makes the moral police in brown shorts my mortal enemy too.

And since everyone’s taking offence these days, some random Baba, who is a fucken Dogman, would also take offense and put me in prison.

What a good time to be alive. 🙂

Been a while, will need a little more

Here’s the thing. The world has no place for sentiments what so ever. Take anything for that matter, sentiment dies soon. Sentiment is like jerking off to the world.

They do it, they feel shit for some time, then they just wipe it off and completely forget about it. Be it the Peshawar killings, the attacks in Paris or a broken heart, everything is forgotten by everyone.

However, the only thing that remains constant is the pain of the people who are still going through the suffering knowing that their chance to shine under the spotlight of sympathy is gone and now there is no turning back as they stare doom, right in its face.

But doom here isn’t death. Doom here is life. Doom here is living through stuff. Doom here is making peace with the fact that you don’t have something you used to. Doom here is understanding and living with the fact that you’ve lost it and its never coming back.

And the pain that comes with this sort of a doom is of a different nature. Because it is pain of the highest order. And it is pain that is here to stay. So with time you stop responding to the pain. But you know it is still there. And while you die slowly, each moment with this pain, all you tell yourselves is that ‘it’s been a while, will need a little more. But I am sure it will all be alright.’

Heart goes out to the people in Syria. I can only imagine what you guys are going through. Not exactly a ‘been there done that’ kind of a thing but hey, we’ve all seen pain.

Hang in tight.

Drift # 4 – Flat Beer

Ever wondered why it’s called flat beer?

I was jobless as usual last week and I wanted to solve the mystery via drift.

Now then, flat beer is a beer that’s fizz has run out. Though it isn’t the best tasting beer, people still drink it, you know, because it is beer.

But physically, flat beer isn’t flat. Even if some smart ass decides to say that it is liquid and it takes the shape of the container, the container of a beer is usually a glass or a bottle which doesn’t allow it to be flat. It is round.

So why do we call it flat, exactly?

You see, flat is a house that someone buys because they cannot afford a villa. I mean who goes and buys a flat if they have a good villa available?

But since the flat is bought with hard-earned money and it is owned by you you still like it, but not as much as the villa.

Voila! That’s the same logic behind naming ‘flat’ beer. It is not as good as the beer with fizz. You still like it because you own it. And you enjoy it lesser.

HENCE ‘FLAT’ BEER!

*Modern start trek like computer sounds*

‘Drift complete’.

Drift # 2 – Crush

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Don’t even ask me why this is here.

Ever wondered why a crush is called a crush?

I don’t know about normal people, but to an idiot like me, the only thing a crush reminds me of is a Pepsi can.

Okay, why?

Because it says ‘Crush’ after use. Yeah, that stuck to my head.

The drift here is based on that.

A crush is like a Pepsi in the can.

Because,

One, both look amazing from a distance.

Two, both are bad for health.

Three, if you are having it for too long, the ‘fizz’ runs out. (See what I did there? Fizz? :p )

Four, you can never survive on both for your entire life.

And finally five, both are dumped and forgotten after a while.

 

See the connection? 😀

If you don’t, well then buck up. Be creative.

Because the smarter you become, the harsher realities are. Be retarded, the rest shall follow! (Too much gyan for a day!)

Until next time, Tchao!

Drift – #1

So three years of mass communication, one heart break, more than a hundred haleems, more than a thousand biryanis and almost two years of journalism later, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a fucken retard. Yes, I am. I mean, I always had this doubt. But enlightenment struck me, the other day, and here I am, confessing it.

But why am I telling you this? Because you, my lovely readers, actually read my blog. :p So, here’s the deal. This is the new category. It is called Drift. What does that mean? You know it’s nothing related to Tokyo Drift. I haven’t even watched the movie. But then, I’m pretty sure, it has nothing to do with the stuff that I will be posting under this category.

This category, is to let out a flow of thought. A stream that emerges and just goes on and on. It doesn’t stop.

Say for example you are sitting in a place, and there’s no power, your phone’s battery is dead, and you are sitting. Just sitting. Doing nothing. There is a random flow of thoughts. Absolutely random. It just flows from one thought to another and keeps going on. Yes. That. You are getting a hang of it.

I have many of those moments these days. So this in category, I shall share them with you. They might be funny to you. Might even seem senseless (FYI, this is going to be the case most of the time). But then, such thoughts should not go waste. They need to be recorded. Let’s assume I get a noble prize some day for sports journalism. I know there is no such category. But lets assume. These very thoughts will be used to make text books of kids then. :p

Something like this! :D

The last art of the blog is actually a demonstration of what it is. Here we go.

 

Relationship. Ever tried breaking it down? It is a ship. You know like a real ship named relation.

Why?

Because it takes you places. Lands far away, places unexplored, and shows you things that are unseen.

Eventually, just like a ship, it either serves a full term and becomes old, or if you are travelling through rough seas, pirates attack it. You get the flow? Pirates = family members, basterds/bitches who take them away, blah blah.

And and and, here’s the best part, the captain, which is you technically, prefers sinking with the ship. You do. You sink into depression? Yeah?! Get it?!

Then., just like a dead body comes to the surface of the water after sometime, you too ‘come out’ of depression. But there’s one similarity between you and the dead body. Both of you’ll are dead- one mentally the other physically- and will never be like how you were before!

 

Daymn. See the drift? This is what I’m talking about! I’m pretty sure I’m doing this on a regular basis. :p

Tchao till next time! 😀