Because, fuck ISIS

The Islamic State, popularly known as ISIS or ISIL, has risen in power substantially over the last three years and is now the “free world’s” biggest enemy. The organisation has such a radical approach that even the Taliban disassociated itself from it. And mind you, the Taliban are a group of people who did not mind planes full of people flying into the World Trade Center.

Saddam Hussain was an interesting story. Bin Laden was a nice little twist in the history of the world. A major villain figure that emerges every once in a while and gives us all a story to tell for a decade till another one rises. Laden was in the mold of the drug cartels. The only difference was that his kills were recorded and reported live. Also his kills were more aesthetic (if I can use that word) for the news channels to show. Because if we look at the numbers, the cartels have claimed more lives in the first three episodes of Narcos than the entire 9/11 attacks.

We had our own little villains too. The Indian Mujahideen and a bunch of other clowns who came from across the border to mess with us. Our financial capital (and also the city with the most annoying climate) was under siege for three days. Taj fell. It was reclaimed. But in the process, the terrorists managed to leave an impression. The only thing worse than the 26/11 attacks was Ram Gopal Varma’s movie about the 26/11 attacks.

But ISIS, it is a different cattle of fish. And the reason I call them a cattle of fish and not any other animal because they are at the lowest rung of evolution. Their brains are as small as the fish. Now ISIS is no one-decade villain story. I think ISIS is the story of the century. Or maybe, ISIS is the prequel to the story of the century. Just like World War I was a prequel to Hitler’s madness.

Of all the organisations that have threatened a white man’s idea of world peace in the recent past, ISIS is the only one that has the potential to reach the maximum. And there are two reasons I say that.

  1. Till date, every other terror organisation in the world spoke of bringing doom to a certain section of people whom they disagreed with. ISIS has gone one step further. It has promised people an Islamic caliphate without boundaries. They’ve provided people with an illusion of a working system. [Click on this to know more about ISIS’ borders policy]
  2. All the terror organisations, in my limited understanding of the topic, have tried to unify the Muslims of the world against a common enemy, the infidels. They tried to appeal to the Muslims of the world by presenting them with a very radical form of Islam. They obviously failed because the majority of the Muslims in the world – even in the areas worst hit by these organisations – refused to believe in this form of Islam. What ISIS has done is that they have turned the tables. Instead of asking/requesting the Muslims of the world to unite, they are commanding them to. And every country that has dared to speak against this command has suffered.

The second point is what terrifies me.

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Numbers never lie.

 

Initially, ISIS had a familiar attack pattern. When it first broke into the world scene in 2013, most of its attacks were in Syria. This was done with a motive of establishing a base at Raqqa, which it proclaimed will be the capital of the Caliphate.

Then they did what every terrorist organisation from the middle east does. Attack the west. Throughout 2014, all their targets were Christian dominated countries. But where’s the fun in that? We’ve all seen that, right?

2015 saw them turn towards whom they claim to be their own. Majority of the attacks in this year were in Muslim countries and in the Muslim dominated areas of other countries. France was feeling left out so it pulled itself into the picture voluntarily with Charlie Hebdo.

This particular trend of bombing their own has continued into 2016. Libya, Iraq, Turkey, Banladesh, Belgium, Indinasia and Syira have seen the worst of ISIS this year. And if that isn’t a clear indication of what they intend to do, they went one step forward. They attacked the holy city of Medina in the month Ramzan. Here is a list of all ISIS attacks substantiating this particular pattern.

This attack, I think, was a statement. A statement to the world, to the Muslim world specifically. A statement of power, a statement of authority and a statement of the kind of dark days that await us.

From where I see it, all ISIS wants to do is to get the Muslim world to submit them power and then use that power to wipe out everyone who doesn’t believe in their ideology off the face of this earth. And people who say stuff like ‘all Muslims are terrorists’ are just helping ISIS in doing so.

Because now isn’t a time to blame religious ideologies. Now isn’t the time to deepen religious divides. We’ll have a lot time for that later on. If anything, this is the time we stand together as a race and fight this evil that knocks on our door. An evil that is trying to get the loyalty of the world’s second largest religion. An evil that threatens our society with a holocaust like event. Now is the time we stand together, leave our religious divide and send a message to these sons of bitches who want to establish a medieval caliphate in the world through the power of weapons that they would have never been able to make from their caves.

And once we’re done defeating the ISIS, then we’ll start killing each other again in the name of religion. But let’s stand and fight ISIS to protect our right of having more religions in the world so that we can kill each other for ages to come. Let us not let ISIS take this from us.

In the words of Russell Peters,

‘You don’t kill me. I kill me.’

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Yup.

More than just an underwear!

To my faithful readers, this might be my last blog post. I might be lynched by a mob, dragged onto a street and might be beaten to death after this blog post by a group of people whom you might associate me with.

Now, then, the Sikh community *dramatic pause* has been a part of civilization for roughly 500 years. Of which for over 300 years, it has been an organised religion.

From serving free meals at Gurudwaras, to serving free meals in areas affected by ISIS, to serving free meals in drought/flood/earthquake hit areas and giving the world Daler Mehendi, the community has always been the front runner in doing good things. And hey, the meals come with no obligations to convert into Sikhism once you’re done eating.

But as a Sikh physically and an atheist mentally, there are times where I start questioning this cute little religion that provides food and some times blows up flights and assassinates the prime minister, for whatever reasons.

Now, every Sikh who gets baptized (amrit chakna), has to follow a certain set of rules which include cooking for yourself, following a prayer time table and yes, having the 5 Ks.

The five Ks, which most of you’ll learnt in the Hindi lesson ‘Guru Nanak’ in your 9th standard, are five things that a Sikh must carry on him at all times. Fair enough, every religion has rules. So does Sikhism.

Here’s where it starts messing with my head. The first K stands for Kesh – Growing facial hair. And the rule makers wanted to be sure that we’re just not growing hair but combing them. So we added the second K, the Kanga – a small wooden comb. Still nothing extra ordinary. Seems pretty routine, right?

Then the rule makers went one step further and said, ‘Hey bro, here are two more Ks – the Kada (an arm guard) for self-defense and the Kirpan (a dagger). Considering that the Sikhs were at war with the Mughals and were expecting sudden attacks, this made perfect sense. Hats off.

And then, the person who was writing the rules decided to just have fun. He said, “Let’s mess around a little bit.” And just as the announcer of the rules was going out to tell the world about the four must-have things (God it sounds like Scoopwhoop), the creator of rules called him back and said, “Listen, add this, Chaddi pehen na mat bhoolna,” and hence the fifth K was added. The Kacha, which means an underwear.

WHAT?!

This is what bothers me the most, ours is the only holy book in the world that says ‘bro, don’t forget to wear your underwear.’ How dumb do you think we were man that you felt the rule ‘wear an underwear’ should be a part of your holy book?

The announcer also would’ve been like, “Sir you sure about this one?”

“YES ABSOLUTELY. As time passes, people might forget that wearing an underwear is necessary. The only way to get them to wear it is to have it in the holy book.”

Wow.

I mean look at Hinduism, their holy books were talking about complicated shit like ‘people should be divided into four Varnas’. the Christians were making rules about converting people and shit by getting them drunk and the Muslims were also up to something, I guess. And here’s us, making rules like ‘underwear compulsory’.

Now I guess we know what the priorities of my ancestors were. Damn!

A toast to February

This blog is exactly what you are thinking it is about.

Ice cream.

Yaaayyy!! 😀

Just kidding. (Although I did see that ‘what the fuck’ expression on your face). It’s not about ice cream.

This blog is not a rant about how shit love is or how pathetic Valentines Day is because I am single. Nah.

Instead it is about how February has been romanticized (English swag niggas) in our heads right from when we were children. That’s right, and it wasn’t just for February 14th. It was for the over all picture.

Because as kids, even though we had no clue what it meant, we all knew February had fewer days that normal months and even when it got an extra day, it would still be fewer than the other months.

Doesn’t really feel like a big deal now but figuring that out – particularly in my school – felt like a big deal back then.

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You know why there’s a photo of a man leaping here? Because it’s a leap year mother fuckers! Get it? Leap. LEAP. LEEEAAPP!!!! 

And I remember this one leap year, when I was little, a classmate of mine was late to class and the second he came in, he shouted ‘THIS IS AN EXTRA DAY WE HAVE TO STUDY. OUR SENIORS DIDN’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS!’

And we were all like “Fuccckkkk!!!”

No sorry, we were kids.

We were all like “Whatever kids say when they are amused”. (I can’t seem to recall what we said as kids when we were amused. So used to ‘shit’, ‘fuck’ or ‘bhuh that’s insane’, I can’t remember what I used to say when I was amused as a child. Let me know in the comments what you’d say.) *Optimistic Blogger*

That guy’s doing his MS in USA now. Surprise, surprise.

Anyway, you further romanticize the month when you grow up because hey, in college, this is the time where even the ugliest people we know get confident and try to ask someone out. And I get to say that because I am ugly. #FakeModestyToMakeRudeComment

And for some reason, after the holidays of December and the hangovers/failed resolutions of January, it is February that tells you, ‘Hey it’s alright. This year isn’t that bad after all. There’s love in it, it isn’t that long and if you’re single, well fuck you because happiness isn’t for you’.

It is February that gets little kids ready for their exams and the big bankers ready for their audits. It is the only time of the year where people from the same group can have hot tea and cold coffee in the same outing without the other section telling them the climate isn’t suitable for it.

Just imagine facing March directly after January, so bloody hectic!!

They say good things come in small packages and in our cases, I believe February is that small package.

Here’s to you dwarf month. You’re awesome.

The diminishing fine line

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Morgan Freeman and George Carlin

Acting and Stand up comedy, across the globe, are slowly starting to come under the same banner. Although that can never be a problem, the fact that stand up comedians are also aiming to become actors might be a cause of concern for the traditional art of stand up comedy.

Speaking from a strictly purist stand point, it would be safe to assume that stand up comedy is all about being your real self on stage. And only people who actually are their real selves on stage manage to make it big in the industry.

George Carlin, Ricky Gervais, Louis CK and even Biswa Kalyan Rath for that matter are where they are because they just end up being themselves on stage, which is a completely new thing for audiences.

Often, stand up comedians are advised to be their original self on stage by experts of the field. And even though ‘being yourself is the best way to learn stand up’ might sound like a cliche, that remains the ultimate truth of the stand up industry.

Acting, on the other hand, is a completely contradicting art to stand up comedy in terms of its fundamentals. To be a successful actor, one must be able to let go of each and every aspect of his/her and adapt to the character he is playing.

Be it Morgan Freeman from Invictus or Nawazuddin Siddiqui from Gangs of Wasseypur, these actors are great because they convinced the world that they did not exist in the film. They convinced the audience that the guy they saw on screen was a person was actually a Mandela or a gangster from Dhanbad.

This is where my argument comes into play. As a comedian, a person must never let go of being himself, even for the silver screen. But if the comedian does let go of himself and plays a character in the film, and plays it brilliantly for that matter, he would never get back to the purist’s form of comedy again.

I am not saying that WILL ruin his comedy for certain. For all I know, it might end up being better. But that would ensure that every time the person goes out to do comedy, he will assume a character. He might say he is being ‘himself. But that ‘himself’ would be a character he cooked up in his mind with his characteristics and then play it out on stage. It is like wearing your own mask. Even though it looks like you, we can be certain there is something plastic about it.

Again, this post really doesn’t have a point or a supporting argument for any of these two sides. It is just an observation. And an observation, which I think often goes unnoticed.  For if it is noticed, we might have a completely different take on both – acting and stand up.

The Dogman

fry

 

‘Once up on a time in a land not very far away, there lived a man. The villagers called him the dogman and were scared of him.’

There must have been a time when this was a completely right statement to start a story. But it is 2016. And we got all this bitch theories in our heads now. We now think very highly of ourselves and take our own rubbish thoughts very seriously. This has led to many bullshit theories coming up.

The first people to start complaining about this, as is the case very regularly these days, would be the modern Nazis, who happen to be worse than the actual Nazis. The only thing that is holding them back is the lack of a Hitler-esque figure and a lot of ammunition. “Are you trying to say a woman cannot exist on her own? You misogynistic pig! What a terrible world to live in.”

The second kind people this post would impact is the social activists. “How can you generalise villagers? Do you know how much they’ve seen in their lives? Have you even been to a village? Do you know how the caste system can destroy a person?! You metropolitan ignorant pig.”

The third people this post impacts would be the PETA guys. The clowns battling for animal rights in an age where people are being butchered mercilessly. But what is Syria to people who are on a mission to save hens?!

The fourth category of people this post would impact is the new breed of internet people who think a dog is the ultimate form of life. I love dogs but hey, how will you possibly stop a dog meat festival in China, a country that doesn’t give a fuck about the world’s greatest super power – America, with your stupid hashtags on Facebook? But they’ll still take offence because a dogman would have to be genetically engineered and it is cruelty against man’s most loyal friend. “You fucken pig!”

And since everyone in this post is calling me a pig, my mere existence would offend the religion of peace and no bacon.

And since I am using my freedom of speech in India, it makes the moral police in brown shorts my mortal enemy too.

And since everyone’s taking offence these days, some random Baba, who is a fucken Dogman, would also take offense and put me in prison.

What a good time to be alive. 🙂

In defense of Rahul, Trump

*If this blog post was a human being, that title would be a chic magnet*

Here’s the deal, I am not a fan of either Rahul (Gandhi, not Dravid. Dravid is so awesome. You should really be butchered if you call Dravid, Rahul) or Trump. But that doesn’t mean I cannot make a compelling case for them.

It was recently that I was at an open mic (the place where comedians go to be funny) and I heard a friend of mine speak in defense of Rahul. Here’s the funny part, for the first few minutes he  just had to sell the idea that Rahul might be forced in to politics and would be no different from Sachin Tendulkar if his father had forced him to become a playback singer. (3 Idiots reference. SEO BITCHES).

Sadly, the crowd did not find the supporting Rahul propaganda funny. They were upset. I glanced them for khaki shorts, but didn’t find any. Who knew that someone could be a Sanghi in a closet!

Now, to why I defend them (The foreplay is over). It isn’t because I think they are smart or because I agree with their ridiculous arguments. Rather, the support comes from the fact that these guys have become the punching bags of the society. They are what we call ‘cheap laughs’. Because people will laugh at them no matter what the premise of the joke is.

And you know the worse part, most people who laugh at them have no fucken idea why they are laughing. They laugh because they think it is cool.

Generally the people who laugh the hardest at these jokes are these Agarwals, Jains and the over enthusiastic Gujjus who have had at least 4 large pegs of bull sperm (FYI: that’s what goes into Redbull and gives you wings).

It is funny because a person who thinks wearing a pink shirt with a silver flower on it is okay is judging Rahul and Trump, who at least have made it to a stage where an entire nation comes together to criticize them. The irony.

These guys use Rahul as a cue to laugh and become cool. To make matters worse, none of these assholes know what Rahul and Trump are being criticized for. Fuck, that is too far-fetched, show these guys any random white guy in a suit and tell them it is Trump’s new picture and they’ll believe you.

It is these useless people that social media has given a voice to. If Hitler knew these people existed, he’d pardon the Jews and come after them. The allied forces would also join hands with Hitler and make the world a peaceful place.

Social media has given a voice to people who don’t deserve one. I know that as I make this proud declaration, some dude reading this blog would put me in that category. But hey, Article 19. Deal with it.

What’s funny?

I do comedy now. Like real comedy, not journalism.

And it has left me asking this question. What’s funny?

Turns out, NOTHING IS!

Feminists get offended on women jokes.

Bhakts get offended on Modi jokes.

Bhakts and feminists get offended of Durga maata jokes.

Muslims, well, they don’t get offended. They just explode… in laughter.

Nah not really. I just said that because it was making a good joke. It might have offended some people.

Make a joke about animals, the Jain community and the odd Malayali who switched to vegetarian food gets offended.

Make fun of the Jain community and PETA gets offended.

Make fun of Chennai floods, people call it humour in bad taste. Lol. Log vaha mar rahe hai bhenchod tumko taste ki padi hai? Masterchef chala raha hai tumhara baap yaha?

Then they said the answer is within you. So I made jokes about myself. I started getting offended.

Ok bye.

Men – oh – pause

I write this article at the risk of being labelled a sexist. Although that tag does bother me, I will go ahead and write this.

Right, so, Men – oh – pause (TM) is a phrase I came up with after my recent experiences with a few friends. You know how we men are always boasting about not being in a cycle that involves PMSing and that we’re always our cool selves. Well that is a huge lie. Most guys have a time of the year for a month or so when they go men-oh-pausal.

Yes, it is exactly what you think it is. The symptoms of menopause are seen in the same month. They start acting like a woman who is going through an extended mid life crisis even at the age of menopause.

To put it in a layman’s term, the friend/brother pauses being a man and starts acting like a stupid bitch. :p Trust me, there is no good way of putting it. Compared to what’s running in my mind, this is a very mild term!

While going through this men – oh – pause, men generally go full retard. They remain pissed off at their friends for no reason. They think their entire group is against them and have been pulling them down all their lives. At this point, they move to their tertiary friends and “start a new happy life” with them.

This keeps them happy for a couple of weeks before they start realising they are behaving like a stupid bitch. And just like the Snickers advertisement, they go from being a heroine to our old brother in matter of seconds and come back. This is usually common among men who have moved to new avenues, companies or even institutions.

That’s it I guess! Adios! 😀

If you believe in god

I am an atheist. I speak against all forms of the mystical creature that is ‘God’. If that doesn’t go well with you, please do not proceed.

Here’s a list of things you should stop doing if you are a believer.

1. If you believe in god, stop fucking using technology. God said there is no power bigger than him right. Guess what, he had no idea about nuclear energy. It is bigger and even though will kill people, it is way less destructive than religion.

2. If you believe in god, stop fucking sharing his photos/videos on social media/whatsapp. Using technology is like using science. Science is reasoning; religion, well, we’ll have an entire blog for that. Science contradicts religion. So using science to propagate religion is killing the purpose itself.

3. If you believe in god, stop travelling far. Because you might fall off the earth. That’s what your god says, right? Do not go too far. Earth is flat. Everything revolves around the earth. That is what god told you. I’ll send him a letter to ask you to never let you join any space program, ANYWHERE.

4. If you believe in god, well, just fuck off. I mean no, it will not stop me from being friends with you or something, i’ll condemn you internally, like, for ever.

5 If you believe in god and say that all that human race has achieved is because god directed us to do so, well then i direct you to point number 4. Or if you’re too lazy for that, fuck off. Just fuck off. 😀

Ok bye. Someone knocked, i think it was god. Maybe he wants to kill me.

The chronology obsession

Let’s begin by saying I’m not a writer. I’m not a thinker. And if you follow my blog, you pretty well know, I am not a good blogger either.

#Modesty :p

So this one’s a serious one. If you’re here for fun, THOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Over the years (that is excluding the years I though Lesbians were what people from Lebanon were called, which roughly means over the last five years), I have noticed that human beings have some sort of obsession with chronology.

Everything in life, has to be in an order. I mean there are some things that have to follow a chronology, like being born, then growing old before eventually dying. Unless you are THAT guy from the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

But then, why do we need to have an order for everything? Why study first and then go exploring your field?

Why marry first and then decide to have a family? Why not have a family? settle in, then have a marriage?

Why do people have to judge you when you eat your rice with rasam first and then eat sambar/dal during an Andhra meal?

I am sure most of my questions would come across as pretty stupid ones. But that is purely because an order has strictly been put into our head. “This is how the world works and you have no option but to follow it, or we kill you.” *cough cough* Galileo *cough*.

Who are these people who set the rules? Who are these people who force us to live our lives like a proper Rajshree Productions movie?

I don’t want to live it that way. I want it to be like Pulp Fiction. In an order I like and in a way that pleases me. And if it doesn’t please you, then fuck off, because a few years from now, you’ll realise it. But it’ll be too late by then.

PS: This is not a rant. My parents did not force me into engineering. I love what I do. This blog is just because I cannot digest the fact that many people cannot do what they love because of social convention and this entire chronology of life that we’ve created.

#MahLyfMahRulezz :’D