My encounter with a ghost

Being an atheist has many advantages. One of them is when you’re jerking off, you can be sure that no one’s watching you. Unless you’re doing it in a crowded bus. Because that’s not how it works. There are somethings atheism can’t hide, for every thing else there’s master card.

But no one really talks about the downside to atheism. The fact that you don’t believe in god comes with a few terms and conditions. And one of them is you have to believe that there are no ghosts too – which, I think is messed up.

Ghost

Because it is human nature to be afraid of the dark. Or at least it is my nature. And I freak out in the dark. But what freaks me out more than the idea of ghosts is my defense mechanism.

Let’s say its 3 am in the night (which allegedly is the Satan’s time). I’m just doing some random stuff on my computer. I see a movement on the corner of my eye. Now lets assume it is a ghost that moved. Obviously that is scary.

But my defense mechanism to that is to not look in the direction of the ghost. That’s right. I think not looking at it will protect me from it. Its a good thing I’m not in the army.

Major: ‘Soldier, the Pakistanis are coming.’

Me: ‘I have an excellent idea. A strategy that’ll win us the war.’

Major: ‘Go ahead. What is it?’

Me: ‘Let’s not look at them.’

Major: …..

Me: ….

Major: ….

Me: …

Times of India’s first page next day: ‘Army major shoots his own soldier.’

And here’s the messed up part. I know this isn’t helping. I know the ghost might still come and kill me. But I still do keep doing this.

Even the ghost must be like ‘What a fucktard!’

The moral of the story is face your fears. Because if you don’t, then you won’t see it coming.

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BIGGEST TRUTH ABOUT DINOSAURS, really.

Dinosaurs have always fascinated me. Maybe because unlike most of you’ll, Titanic wasn’t my first English film, it was Jurassic Park.

And The first time I watched the film, I freaked out. The scene where a fellow scientist’s hand comforts the lead actress was good till you realised that it was just the hand comforting her because the rest of the scientist had been eaten by a dinosaur.

Now, I’m not saying science is wrong. But honestly, none of us have seen or met dinosaurs. All we know about them comes from their bones that were found under layers of soil. Just kidding. All we know comes from the Jurassic Park series.

But what if (yes, this is where the absurdity begins) dinosaurs were nice people. What if all they wanted to do was cuddle? And be happy? And invest in an SBI fixed deposit so their child could go to a nice school after they died? #SarUthaKeJio #ProductPlacement

T rex
Awwww!

Now, I know what you guys must be thinking. “Leave science alone? WHAT RUBBISH”. We conveniently did that when we were killing Galileo for saying ‘bro I think the world is round’ or something like that. So why not just think about it for a harmless (yet awesome) blog?

So, back to my theory. Ever looked at a Tyrannosaurs Rex? It has such nice and small hands. And if we go by everything we have seen (A USP that both god and dinosaurs lack), anything with small hands is good – Babies, people who have small hands because of polio (because handicapped people are always nice), rabbits, squirrels, Sid from Ice Age. Such nice people.

But I’m not telling all dinosaurs were nice people. Some of them might have been right wing people. Who would pretend to be vegetarian and fuck up everyone else. Those long-necked basterds that Steven Spielberg’s movie portrayed in such good light might actually have been the assholes that fucked it up.

Because lets talk facts. (ROFL). Anything with a long neck is an asshole. Snakes (their entire body is a long neck and the only thing they are good for is creating medicine that cures their OWN FUCKEN BITE), giraffes, ostriches, ducks, the sea monster that attacks Hanuman in the cartoon Ramayan that was shown on Cartoon Network on every Diwali between 2003 and 2009, George W Bush (no seriously, look it up).

brachiosaurus
MORE EVIDENCE!!!!

To take my argument further, those vegetarian dinosaurs with the long necks are the Gujaratis of the dinosaur world. Because they eat vegetarian food, sleep early and spit on white girls (seriously have no idea what the last part means). But we all know when shit went down in 2002, the dhokla eating people didn’t spare anyone. And maybe, there was no meteorite that hit the earth. Maybe it was just these guys going and killing the cuddly and nice T-Rexs and their families.

Also, they look like dicks.

Makes you think doesn’t it?

March 6, 2022.

March 6, 2022.

7.15 am: The alarm goes off.

7.16 am: The alarm goes off again after snooze time ends.

7.16 am: Stop the alarm. A wakes up B. Another night has gone by and all A has done has streamed random stuff all night.

8.20 am: B asks A if he wants breakfast. A couldn’t care less.

9.14 am: A leaves for office, 9 minutes late than usual.

9.19 am: The house is empty. Absolute silence.

9.42 am: A goes back to the computer table. Opens facebook. Starts scrolling.

9.56 am: Headline on the screen appears. ‘This 96-year-old woman doing Bharatnatyam is the most amazing thing you’ll see today’.

9.59 am: A’s body hits the floor. A bullet shot on the side of his forehead. Life’s left his body.

am_140326_gun_suicide_silhouette_800x600

10:09 am: His Facebook news feed refreshes itself. ’10 reasons your mother isn’t your father’ – another shit article is shared.

Shitformation (n): 1. This means information which is shit, generally anything shared by these generic websites.
2. The shit-formation of the human mind made possible by
rubbish generated.

Shitformation claims another life.

5.39 pm: Another headline reads, ‘This new word shitformation is taking the….. (generic bull shit continues).’

More than just an underwear!

To my faithful readers, this might be my last blog post. I might be lynched by a mob, dragged onto a street and might be beaten to death after this blog post by a group of people whom you might associate me with.

Now, then, the Sikh community *dramatic pause* has been a part of civilization for roughly 500 years. Of which for over 300 years, it has been an organised religion.

From serving free meals at Gurudwaras, to serving free meals in areas affected by ISIS, to serving free meals in drought/flood/earthquake hit areas and giving the world Daler Mehendi, the community has always been the front runner in doing good things. And hey, the meals come with no obligations to convert into Sikhism once you’re done eating.

But as a Sikh physically and an atheist mentally, there are times where I start questioning this cute little religion that provides food and some times blows up flights and assassinates the prime minister, for whatever reasons.

Now, every Sikh who gets baptized (amrit chakna), has to follow a certain set of rules which include cooking for yourself, following a prayer time table and yes, having the 5 Ks.

The five Ks, which most of you’ll learnt in the Hindi lesson ‘Guru Nanak’ in your 9th standard, are five things that a Sikh must carry on him at all times. Fair enough, every religion has rules. So does Sikhism.

Here’s where it starts messing with my head. The first K stands for Kesh – Growing facial hair. And the rule makers wanted to be sure that we’re just not growing hair but combing them. So we added the second K, the Kanga – a small wooden comb. Still nothing extra ordinary. Seems pretty routine, right?

Then the rule makers went one step further and said, ‘Hey bro, here are two more Ks – the Kada (an arm guard) for self-defense and the Kirpan (a dagger). Considering that the Sikhs were at war with the Mughals and were expecting sudden attacks, this made perfect sense. Hats off.

And then, the person who was writing the rules decided to just have fun. He said, “Let’s mess around a little bit.” And just as the announcer of the rules was going out to tell the world about the four must-have things (God it sounds like Scoopwhoop), the creator of rules called him back and said, “Listen, add this, Chaddi pehen na mat bhoolna,” and hence the fifth K was added. The Kacha, which means an underwear.

WHAT?!

This is what bothers me the most, ours is the only holy book in the world that says ‘bro, don’t forget to wear your underwear.’ How dumb do you think we were man that you felt the rule ‘wear an underwear’ should be a part of your holy book?

The announcer also would’ve been like, “Sir you sure about this one?”

“YES ABSOLUTELY. As time passes, people might forget that wearing an underwear is necessary. The only way to get them to wear it is to have it in the holy book.”

Wow.

I mean look at Hinduism, their holy books were talking about complicated shit like ‘people should be divided into four Varnas’. the Christians were making rules about converting people and shit by getting them drunk and the Muslims were also up to something, I guess. And here’s us, making rules like ‘underwear compulsory’.

Now I guess we know what the priorities of my ancestors were. Damn!

A toast to February

This blog is exactly what you are thinking it is about.

Ice cream.

Yaaayyy!! 😀

Just kidding. (Although I did see that ‘what the fuck’ expression on your face). It’s not about ice cream.

This blog is not a rant about how shit love is or how pathetic Valentines Day is because I am single. Nah.

Instead it is about how February has been romanticized (English swag niggas) in our heads right from when we were children. That’s right, and it wasn’t just for February 14th. It was for the over all picture.

Because as kids, even though we had no clue what it meant, we all knew February had fewer days that normal months and even when it got an extra day, it would still be fewer than the other months.

Doesn’t really feel like a big deal now but figuring that out – particularly in my school – felt like a big deal back then.

LeapOfFaith.jpg
You know why there’s a photo of a man leaping here? Because it’s a leap year mother fuckers! Get it? Leap. LEAP. LEEEAAPP!!!! 

And I remember this one leap year, when I was little, a classmate of mine was late to class and the second he came in, he shouted ‘THIS IS AN EXTRA DAY WE HAVE TO STUDY. OUR SENIORS DIDN’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS!’

And we were all like “Fuccckkkk!!!”

No sorry, we were kids.

We were all like “Whatever kids say when they are amused”. (I can’t seem to recall what we said as kids when we were amused. So used to ‘shit’, ‘fuck’ or ‘bhuh that’s insane’, I can’t remember what I used to say when I was amused as a child. Let me know in the comments what you’d say.) *Optimistic Blogger*

That guy’s doing his MS in USA now. Surprise, surprise.

Anyway, you further romanticize the month when you grow up because hey, in college, this is the time where even the ugliest people we know get confident and try to ask someone out. And I get to say that because I am ugly. #FakeModestyToMakeRudeComment

And for some reason, after the holidays of December and the hangovers/failed resolutions of January, it is February that tells you, ‘Hey it’s alright. This year isn’t that bad after all. There’s love in it, it isn’t that long and if you’re single, well fuck you because happiness isn’t for you’.

It is February that gets little kids ready for their exams and the big bankers ready for their audits. It is the only time of the year where people from the same group can have hot tea and cold coffee in the same outing without the other section telling them the climate isn’t suitable for it.

Just imagine facing March directly after January, so bloody hectic!!

They say good things come in small packages and in our cases, I believe February is that small package.

Here’s to you dwarf month. You’re awesome.

What’s funny?

I do comedy now. Like real comedy, not journalism.

And it has left me asking this question. What’s funny?

Turns out, NOTHING IS!

Feminists get offended on women jokes.

Bhakts get offended on Modi jokes.

Bhakts and feminists get offended of Durga maata jokes.

Muslims, well, they don’t get offended. They just explode… in laughter.

Nah not really. I just said that because it was making a good joke. It might have offended some people.

Make a joke about animals, the Jain community and the odd Malayali who switched to vegetarian food gets offended.

Make fun of the Jain community and PETA gets offended.

Make fun of Chennai floods, people call it humour in bad taste. Lol. Log vaha mar rahe hai bhenchod tumko taste ki padi hai? Masterchef chala raha hai tumhara baap yaha?

Then they said the answer is within you. So I made jokes about myself. I started getting offended.

Ok bye.

One of those things

You see, the world is a funny place. And this isn’t a reference to my talent as a stand up comedian.

It is funny because every once in a while, you come across one of those things that takes you back days, months, years or in some cases even lives. Although I am not a believer of reincarnation, there are certain things that you do for the first time yet you feel you’ve done it. The exact same way.

“It is called deja vu”. Shut the fuck up. I am not talking about that. This is something. This is like a random memory.

Like playing a song reminds you of a few seconds from when you were six. Like you’ll remember nothing that happened before or after that incident. It will be like an exact 10-second full HD video of what went down in those 10 seconds.

It is weird because it is like your past is trying to communicate with you whereas in actuality it isn’t. Or maybe it is if time is a dimension that we are yet to understand.

I don’t know if it happens to others as well. You know I am hoping it does. Because if it doesn’t happen to others, I cannot afford a shrink right now :3

Guess that’s about it.

Later.

Men – oh – pause

I write this article at the risk of being labelled a sexist. Although that tag does bother me, I will go ahead and write this.

Right, so, Men – oh – pause (TM) is a phrase I came up with after my recent experiences with a few friends. You know how we men are always boasting about not being in a cycle that involves PMSing and that we’re always our cool selves. Well that is a huge lie. Most guys have a time of the year for a month or so when they go men-oh-pausal.

Yes, it is exactly what you think it is. The symptoms of menopause are seen in the same month. They start acting like a woman who is going through an extended mid life crisis even at the age of menopause.

To put it in a layman’s term, the friend/brother pauses being a man and starts acting like a stupid bitch. :p Trust me, there is no good way of putting it. Compared to what’s running in my mind, this is a very mild term!

While going through this men – oh – pause, men generally go full retard. They remain pissed off at their friends for no reason. They think their entire group is against them and have been pulling them down all their lives. At this point, they move to their tertiary friends and “start a new happy life” with them.

This keeps them happy for a couple of weeks before they start realising they are behaving like a stupid bitch. And just like the Snickers advertisement, they go from being a heroine to our old brother in matter of seconds and come back. This is usually common among men who have moved to new avenues, companies or even institutions.

That’s it I guess! Adios! 😀

Sometimes I wish I was a Panda.

Sometimes I wish, I wish I was a Panda.

I’d be shipped off from my home, far far away to Uganda.

Where I’d probably meet a female panda named Amanda.

Sometimes I wish, I wish I was a Panda.

Why the fuck are they so so happy? :o
Why the fuck are they so so happy? 😮

All I’d eat, is a lot of hay.

All people would love me: straight, bisexual or gay.

Far far away from the world’s propaganda,

Sometimes I wish, I wish I was a Panda.

Though I weigh like one,

a Panda is way beyond just the weight.

In the hope of fitness I wander,

Sometimes I wish, I wish I was a Panda.

I’d love to be in a Chinese zoo,

where it’s all black and white, and I don’t feel blue.

I’d feel like I’m probably living in a tanda?*

Sometimes I wish, I wish I was a Panda.

*When I say tanda, it is a slang for a tribal village. It’s not a Malayali trying to say cold in Hindi.

BOOOMM! :p

Drift # 4 – Flat Beer

Ever wondered why it’s called flat beer?

I was jobless as usual last week and I wanted to solve the mystery via drift.

Now then, flat beer is a beer that’s fizz has run out. Though it isn’t the best tasting beer, people still drink it, you know, because it is beer.

But physically, flat beer isn’t flat. Even if some smart ass decides to say that it is liquid and it takes the shape of the container, the container of a beer is usually a glass or a bottle which doesn’t allow it to be flat. It is round.

So why do we call it flat, exactly?

You see, flat is a house that someone buys because they cannot afford a villa. I mean who goes and buys a flat if they have a good villa available?

But since the flat is bought with hard-earned money and it is owned by you you still like it, but not as much as the villa.

Voila! That’s the same logic behind naming ‘flat’ beer. It is not as good as the beer with fizz. You still like it because you own it. And you enjoy it lesser.

HENCE ‘FLAT’ BEER!

*Modern start trek like computer sounds*

‘Drift complete’.