Let me tell you, I always wanted to be an insomniac. So I started fucking around with my sleep timings. And after three months of doing that, now I am an insomniac. Trust me, it sucks!
You think you are sleeping. You aren’t. Instead you are just closing your eyes and thinking you are sleeping. You do that for a while, and then you give up. You stare at the roof. You stare at it for hours together. You see weird patterns. And after almost 3 hours, you check your phone to see what time it is. It’s just been ten minutes. There’s still the entire night to go.
You try to keep your mind empty. You cannot. Instead, all the screwed up things come to you. You try to avoid thinking about them. But they are bitches. The harder you push them away, the more they get to you. So you give in. You revisit all the times you screwed up. If shit is going on in your life, it just adds to it. You are frozen in time, waiting for someone to come and tell you it will be okay. No one comes.
You are sleepy, you feel drowsy, but you cannot sleep. Try to go online. Do something on Facebook. But for how long can you do that?! At times, I sit in front of my computer. Just staring at the screen. Waiting for sleep to come. Time passes by and the screen times out. I move the mouse, I sit till the next time out. That’s all you do.
You feel like a zombie, retarded thoughts enter your head. You have no clue what to do, how to stop them and go to sleep. You look at the clock, its just 3 am, there’s hours more to go before the sun is out.
So you go back to staring at the roof. Frustration creeps in. You want to talk, to someone. Anyone. But you realise there’s no one for you. You are all alone. This continues till you know it is morning. You are ready for another sick day of your life. And this shit never ends.
I regret doing this to myself. Like a few other things that haunt me now. But it can’t be repaired. I suffer in silence.
PS: Insomnia sucks. Never bring in on to yourself.